I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
You Might Also Like
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
also my go-to takeaway order
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”