Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
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Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud