[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
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Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600