McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.