TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.