No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
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CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
The Assassin.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.