I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
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Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.