Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
You Might Also Like
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
🤣😈🤣
classic mixup
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.