Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳