If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see