Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
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thanksgiving in nutshell
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.