Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
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Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?