Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
hi why am I like this
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.