mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
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Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
i really liked this one
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.