Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.