I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*