I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
You Might Also Like
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I have never related to a cat more
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.