my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
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First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
We decided to have money instead of children.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.