My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
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I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”