dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I wanna be friends with this person
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.