Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
These dogs look like they have good credit.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”