ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”