Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
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Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
That earthquake could have been an email.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.