My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me, reading some of your tweets
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?