Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers