The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
❤️🦆
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.