[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
All generalizations are stupid.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.