My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
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It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one