Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
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Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom