My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
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My god she’s good.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Guys, I found it.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.