My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..