“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.