*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
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GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.