My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.