Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
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Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
This pepper has seen some shit
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.