*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
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[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
craving $300 all of a sudden
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped