*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG