“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
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eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”