[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
When they try to steal your moment.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.