Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
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found this cool rock hiking today
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt