[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.