A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.