You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
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I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Did a trash talking tree write this?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.