Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
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i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
HERE’S MARKY
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..