When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
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When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
79.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!