Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Yup.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Shoo shoo! 😂