*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
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Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect