girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
He’s dead
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.