deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You Might Also Like
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends