Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
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Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
sigh
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away